Published in Full Moon Magazine January 2023-Visit the Newsstand to Subscribe and never miss an issue!
The depths of your layers are known to me, so well. For each lifetime together you’ve let me undress you a little more.
It all begins on a cold full moon January night around a bonfire, as I was the third party to your “letting go” ceremony of your previous love. I stood around the fire as a decently content married mom of three as you burned notes, photos, and mementos that you accumulated during your time together with your most recent relationship. I listened to you tell stories of the lessons you learned, and the love you shared all while you played the most beautiful selection of music that echoed off the snow during this cold winter night. We toasted warm cocktails, and you let it all out… and your healing process from that relationship began.
There was a moment, though, over the fire that changed everything for me.
It began with a song that played off your playlist from an artist I didn’t know but all of the lyrics found within the strum of his guitar had resonance within me. I listened and watched as the orange blaze from the fire lit your face like a halo.
I wasn’t speaking much, mostly listening and observing you from afar.
I could feel your sorrow strongly after a certain memory you shared that called my soul in to give you a hug. However, this instinct to comfort you during a moment of sadness changed EVERYTHING.
The brief instant of contact between us when my arms journeyed around your waist there was a surge of electricity. Like when a conductor makes contact with an energy source. This jolt was felt within every cell of my body, every fiber of my being and stimulated every portion of my being. I stepped back, in absolute awe, of this soul shock I had never experienced before.
I couldn’t help but wonder if you felt it too.
I returned back to my spot, across the fire from you and resumed my watchful eye and listening ears for no other reason than being in awe of what just transpired. It was as if a switch turned on within my consciousness, and you were now the primary source to everything. I could not go back to not knowing the man I was blissfully watching from afar as anything less than someone whom I know I knew deeply on a level that I have yet to explore.
During the next few moments my soul started to whisper to me, though at first, I wasn’t clear on what it was quietly saying to me but I could feel something within our dynamic had spontaneously altered my perception of you, and the foundation I had up until this moment formulated within myself of what relationships look like. As for those lyrics of the song that was playing, that felt very much a part of this were now forever ingrained into my being.
“How do I make you fall in love with me, how do I let you know I care”
I can’t help but feel these words were a code imprinted into my (our) DNA that were intended to be played when we were together on the night of this New Year full moon for our soul’s intentions were set to active me awake from my soul’s 37-year slumber within the matrix of existence.
This moment was predestined, it had to be. We had reached a point in both our lives where it was time for us to be awoken of a plan that had been in motion upon the birth of both our souls on this very damaged planet. I was now awake to the knowing we are not bodies with a soul, but souls with a body. With no current words in my vocabulary to describe something so profound, my only grasp of the situation was to drown this confusion in many more cocktails.
The rest of the evening I spent admiring you. I cannot say it was love at first sight, because I was not set looking for love but my higher-self was more aware of what I needed at this point of time within my life. This need was way more than my unconscious being ever could make sense of. My body felt alive for the first time in a long time. My heart had a new beat, it jumped and skipped out of my chest as if it was picking up a vibration that did not belong to me and my eyes viewed you in an entirely new light.
The man I had known, was only in a very surface level context with only meeting once before this soul shocking experience. We have been within each other’s vortex of possibilities for 6 years, but I can only assume that our meeting was to be held until we were both in a spot to handle this type of unexplainable reserved lightning in a bottle.
The mere thought that you’ve been there out of reach, and out of sight just waiting to make an appearance into my life unknowingly waiting to trigger a spiritual awakening within me is almost unfadable. It takes a strong spirit to process the intense process, we were both about to go through.
With no longer being able to view you as just another man, or just another friend of my husbands I knew I was in for something I honestly was not sure I could handle. In my eyes you were now metamorphosed into this handsome divine masculine whose eyes held a deep mystery with lifetimes of knowledge that we have experienced together stored within.
The ironic part though that was noticed at a much later time was that my entire current lifetime I had always had a certain set of physical attributes that I found attractive. But you were the opposite of all of these. Did we set these intentions knowing that when this moment would happen of our souls colliding that you would stand out different from all the rest? It worked, if so, because you did. Not instantly though I feel that was the point. I was not meant to feel anything towards you until the time was ready. What about you though? Am I anything or everything you always had pictured?
Guiding this letter back to that evening my soul had an instance recognition of yours upon touching. I feel guided to include it was subtle and also not. It was confusing yet clear. This moment was of pre-planned destiny where two lifetime lovers made a pre-incarnation contract that was beginning to unfold. The only problem was, at this time, I am the only one of us two that was awakened to this and I was determined to uncover more understanding as to why I felt this spontaneous connection to you. Nothing is ever as it seems, and with the little knowledge of the universe I was innately born with I knew that a bigger picture would emerge if I took the time to explore.
With my divine intervention this moment around the fire would not be our last. A set of suspicions unfolded during your entire visit that landed us with more time than I could have expected together. We spent these serendipitous days together, all during which these moments were different from the rest. I know you had to have begun to feel the subtlest of change within our dynamic, too. It was powerful energy; it was strong and beautiful. The flow of aura blending with you could have brought down an entire army. The natural wave of power we illuminated when joined together could light the entire continent, and there is no one on the planet that, if witnessed, could deny the impact we have on everything while joined as one.
During the days and nights of these cold winter weeks we had deep conversations, and made many discoveries of how our lives mirrored each other. The strongest effect of the hug we shared was this energetic pull, like a magnet, to each other.
I felt whole when I was within your presence. Like a puzzle piece that had been unconsciously misplaced my entire life. It was as if I thought I had put this life puzzle together correctly, perfectly matching the cover of the box in which the puzzle was sold in, only to find out I had the wrong piece in place in the center of it.
With you I felt seen, in a way I never knew was possible. I felt understood on a level that I had come to peace with many years before believing this was something that was just not possible. And in all honesty, it was not possible. Until you.
There was still so much confusion as to why this was happening. I truly was not out in the world searching for anything. I was within my own environment; with my husband of 12 years and you are his best friend. It almost seems cruel to introduce this type of connection to a married woman but what it did show me was that what I mistaken for my happily ever happy was only a place card for temporary comfort, and what I was living was drowning the potential I had deep within my being that I would have not been able truly to utilize until I was ready. It shined light on the fact my current relationship had no depth; I have never known depth before because I had yet to know you in this lifetime.
No amount of fighting this connection could make this feeling wash away. I tried.
Days after you left and we had said our goodbyes, I continued to try and let this feeling go. But it only led me into a deep state of pain. This was a pain I had never, in my life up to this point, felt. I was lost, confused, broken, my heart was given this breath of life and then quickly stripped from me.
Weeks of melancholy followed with no end in sight of this feeling of loss that now resided within my soul. I became obsessed with trying to make different human connections that are known, and have been experienced by others who were brave enough to tell their stories.
Who were you to me, why do I feel this towards you? And the ever plaguing do you feel it too?
Given the circumstances my usual way of communicating which is considered blunt by most, would only make things weird and I was not yet even in an understanding of the meaning of this all. Fears also come to the front of the possibility this was a one-sided unrequited attraction/connection, even though on a soul level it seemed we both felt it.
Our communication came to a close, but my thoughts of you could not be ceased.
Weeks turned into months and you had begun a new journey following the calling within your own heart to become a doctor. You are a natural healer, intelligent, and truly gifted so watching you follow your calling with such vigor was nothing short of impressive.
I felt so blessed I was able to spend time with you before your plans to travel to another country to begin medical school, and at that point you were scheduled to be there for a year. I have no choice but to understand this was your path and mine was being a stay at-home mom to three little girls in what was now apparent to me a lackluster relationship.
Regardless of all the circumstances, I dove into trying to make sense of this. My life was quickly spiraling and I felt hopeless. Living in hopelessness is not something I will allow, my life needs meaning. I was, I am, determined to find meaning and understanding.
During the months of your absence with little to no communication I began to dive into research. It was a whirlwind of studying human connections from the viewpoint of spirituality. I had landed on a term that I had never heard of before, twin flames. It is this concept that at the beginning of time one soul becomes split into two and they are destined to forever search for one another across all space and time. These are deeply intense soul connections, that are meant to shock your soul awake so you can be opened to the discovery of soul’s earthbound purpose.
I learned there are many definitions and understandings of what a twin flame connection is but after much soul searching, and development of my own spiritual gifts I can do nothing other than share my take away of how this term coordinates within our connection.
After learning of different types of spiritual connections souls can have with one another, I came back to the twin flame concept many times when all other descriptions of relationships “types” didn’t add up. Honestly, I am not even sure I could ever adequately put into words all the things I came to experience within the few months of our first separation. The most painful part was not having someone that I could share these experiences with. I was just starting to understand what this connection could be, but how could I even begin to relay this information into a set of formulated words that would come across to an unawaken person as logical?
How can someone just come out saying to their spouse, “My soul recognizes your best friend’s soul, on a level much deeper than I have ever felt yours.” or that “I feel seen by your best friend, and understood by him much clearer than you have ever understood me.” I am not in a business of hurting people and by saying this out loud to him I am not only destroying our marriage, which was already on strings but I am changing his view on his best friend (who by the way has done nothing other than be kind to me.) This conversation would never be understood by him and the effect of having it would trickle down into our three daughters.
I felt no other choice than to go (grow) through this alone. And I did.
No sooner had I begun to put understanding to this connection, was I thrown into the abyss of what is coined, “dark night of the soul.” Though there really isn’t enough depth there to really convey how dark this point of your life will be. It’s pure torture and when you reach the other side of it you can view it as a ‘spiritual awakening’ initiation.
But during this time all things that once held meaning to me were starting to be torn away. Things that at one time seemed to make sense began to feel pointless. I was so conditioned to society and their views to state I was locked into the ‘matrix’ was an understatement.
So I began to purge all things in my life that felt like weights, I began to strip away everything that once had identity within my life that just no longer held value.
I could not sleep an entire night through, which added to what felt like an increase of anxiety. I was constantly up between 2-3 AM and at points I felt like I was dying, which in hindsight was really the release of my ego.
There were moments of intense emotions that would release; all these pent-up emotions that were stored within my energy body. I felt empty, alone, and raw.
But it was during the darkest parts of this, my spiritual study was at its highest and as the dark night of the soul came to an end, I began to have visions and grasp concepts of life that I had never been privy to before. I began to heal, and see the bigger picture that all those emotions that were held deep inside me were meant to be released, and were never intended to be stored in the first place.
My perspective on everything changed and I realized this was a process that I had to go through. I had a calling and I was being activated to bring healing to more than just myself.
On top of everything else that I was experiencing immediately upon being separated from you I began to experience a vast number of synchronicities. The soul connection that was delivered to me over that bonfire was showing up again, and again in a variety of ways. I was constantly reminded of you either through a song would play, or attention brought to me of the state you live in, and your name was everywhere. I was having these beautiful dreams of you that were so vivid it would be hard to discern what was reality and the intensity of love I felt towards you only grew stronger with time even without being in communication, or direct contact with you.
I began to untap spiritual gifts that I knew I had very minimally from a young age. As I began to develop these gifts, my purpose in life was starting to form into the realization that I am a healer. I came to the realization that I am a psychic medium, and a truly gifted one at that. I learned I am so much more than a “stay at-home mom”, I am powerful. We all are powerful in some regards as we all have access to the same source but it is true that some have an easier time accessing this and in all honesty without the resurrection of my heart, I am not sure I would have stumbled onto this alone.
I learned how to meditate, practice and strengthen my gifts, apply shadow work to heal (and had many more emotional purge moments). I discovered the benefits of sound healing, chakra alignment, and practiced grounding techniques as well as yoga, mantras and chants.
I really started to step into this new flow, however; you never left my mind but the intensity of the pain this almost indescribable connection caused by separation was starting to dull to a bearable heartache.
And then out of nowhere I was told you would be returning to the states. Your plans had been divinely altered and you’d be coming back to yet again stay with us for a while. To state I was excited would have been an understatement. My soul craved being within your field, to feel your magnetic energy again, to feel that invisible string that I knew existed between your heart space and mind. But with this excitement there was also a fear because I knew this visit could once again bring pain like before when you left and there was no current reality that would change the fact you would leave no matter how badly I wished saying goodbye to you again would be nothing but a false reality.
Regardless of the impending pain I knew I was doomed to feel, I accepted it because even an hour in your presence was worth being dragged yet again through the pits of hell. I was in love. I am in love. I will forever be in love. And this love was so much deeper than the surface level love I was used to in this lifetime, this was soul deep. This was internal. This was a love that crossed many lifespans of existence that also was destined to us finding one another again, and again. We have a soul mission that ignites the moment we come into union but to get there it is a process of self-healing, and growth that we must both complete separately before this union can take place. And part of this relied on myself getting out of a karmic relationship and the other part is based on if you see the beauty of this soul connection and have the strength to commit to healing your own self so we can reunite.
On a beautiful warm rainy night, I drove into the city to retrieve you from the airport. You have just landed and are finally back stateside. I was nervous, but excited to see how the chemistry would be this time around. As I pulled up, I saw you standing there and you were so handsome. You were dressed extremely nice for someone who just flew. Most people wear sweats and look like they have been on a journey around the world by the time they land but you stood there in complete perfection with a nice dress shirt on and slacks, your eyes glistened as you jumped in.
We had a bit of a drive back to my house, and you so kindly drove. As we made our way we caught up on all things, and got to know each other a little bit better. We got so caught up in conversation that we missed our exit and I was okay with that. More time alone with you was something I had been craving for weeks, months. I will be honest I don’t actually remember the depth of the conversations we had because I was just enriched into the energy transfer being this close to you brought my soul. It was like being in heaven on earth. Everything felt right with the world, and I couldn’t stop smiling.
When we arrived, we hung out some before retiring to bed and like my normal routine of not being able to sleep I laid awake on the couch recounting everything about the last few hours. I did at some point fall asleep and had the most beautiful dream that we were still together. It felt so real, again. All my dreams with you feel like we are actually together in a space within the bounds of a different dimension. When I woke up, I was slightly confused. Had I really picked you up, were you really here within my home? Before these thoughts could run off you made your appearance upstairs and we embraced. I told you briefly of my dream and how I was not sure you were even really here, and you said you had dreams of us too.
If I could go back, I think I would have asked you more about your dream and see if we had commonalities within our deep dream state that might actually indicate that we indeed had a shared dream experience. And while I may never know about this specific dream, I ended up having many dreams after this that felt as real as the last.
We had less time together than we did before, days compared to weeks but that was all I needed to confirm our soul connection. No matter what we were doing individually we would find a reason to come together and be within each other’s energy field. It felt so natural like we belong side by side and if we weren’t side by side, I feel we were both making excuses to make that happen. I know we were trying our best to be natural, to get into each other’s space but without crossing a line because even though we (at least I think we) both felt this I know that others within my home were picking up on the intensity of magnetic draw to one another.
These few days flew by and only two incidents really stood out from our time together. The first was after I had returned from a trip dropping my daughter off at summer camp. As I walked back into the house you were sitting there in my living room, and the look and smile you gave me was the most beautiful way anyone has ever looked at me. It filled my soul and confirmed the possibility that this was mutual. This has to be, right? How can someone feel this intensity yet it not be true that the other person is on the same level as yourself?
The second memory I reach for when I miss you is when we were outside. We made this eye contact that made us both laugh and look away because of how strong it felt when looking so deeply into one another’s eyes. The eyes are really the door to the soul, more when you have a spiritual connection.
As quickly as you returned back to the states you were gone again, and this cycle of unintended heartbreak from missing you within my energy field began. It was almost like a withdraw from a drug and it was painful. After you left, we exchanged messages. I was a little more open and authentic about what I said to you and for obvious reasons given the true whole picture of the situation we were in you had held back. I called you out on being too careful with your words since I was so open, and I know that was a trigger for you. You responded back and while still holding your cards against your chest you were more open than you had been. You said “we could” have something really amazing. But given the reality of the others involved that it “was what it was”.
I respected this honesty and knew it was true but it was painful knowing that we were both so close to having something so beautiful that most don’t get to experience. This was a different type of love, attraction, connection and it felt so wrong to deny us from having this relationship take full bloom and see where it goes. I realized I was still in a committed relationship, but as time passed, I had begun to draw my energy back to myself from my marriage. I had awoken to what true love was and I knew what I was currently in was not that. It was not that even when we first started dating over a decade ago. I started to wonder if I had just settled for someone who was a good person, but was not my better half.
During the following weeks from seeing you for the second time after being awoken to the fact we had something special between us but our lives were just two trails that were only doomed to cross on occasion I had no choice but take this and work on myself within. I needed to see if I could heal but you leaving for a second time did in fact break me into a million new pieces. I was in love; I was in a love I felt I could never have without starting warfare on all the other relationships within my life.
I began to start a meditation practice more intensely than I had earlier in our connection. I did shadow work to heal, chakra work to balance, and the most interesting thing I did was learn how to go into a meditative state to retrieve past life information from the Akashic Records.
Within the Akashic Records I learned we had been together, and we were lovers of the truest kinds then. We had been together later in our lives, much later than we were meeting now. The roles had reversed where this incarnation I am the older one, but our career choices were almost the same. I was a writer, a very successful writer in Italy and you were a businessman, very successful.
During this lifetime you had been taken from me during war, on what is ironically my birthday in this carnation. We lived many beautiful years together but I can tell you that they were not enough. After us both passing and meeting up in the spiritual world, we had made plans to reunite. Our souls had set intentions, after already living quite possibly more incarnations than this one our goal I feel was to get settled into our 3D lives and clear some lifetime accumulated karma before reuniting. But we had planned so perfectly that you would be a small part of my life from a distance without myself ever even knowing, or without you ever knowing of our past life connections. We knew a day would come when we would be ready to activate one another into “waking up” to the reality of this relationship and upon reuniting we would change the world together.
As in your last lifetime you had some very hefty goals of being a man of importance. Myself now knowing this I tried even more to give you the space you needed to grow and become the man I know your soul intended this time around. But being the only awakened one to at least one of our past lives together is very lonely. I will use this loneliness to do my own inner healing so I will be ready for you when the stars align and we can pick up where we left off in 1954.